Without You I'm Nothing
by xxCarybearxx
Summary: Roppi snaps, hurting Tsuki in the process. He couldn't help it, he just...snapped. He regrets how he hurt Tsuki and takes it out on himself. He believes the blonde can do better without him.


Tsuki frowned."I'm telling you it's nothing, okay?" Roppi huffed."Roppi…" Tsuki looked at the floor.

Roppi had been emotional lately. He'd lash out at nothing for no apparent reason. He was always angry. He'd have his moments of weakness and break down into tears. Tsuki would try his best to console and comfort him, but it wouldn't work anymore. Roppi would just brush him off and ignore him. Tsuki became more and more worried as time went on. Roppi only became more distant.

It was when Tsuki found the raven passed out on the bathroom floor with deep cuts in his arms that he started pressing the matter.

"_Why would you do that…?" Tsuki tried not to fall apart into tears._

"_I don't know…" Roppi brushed off the blonde yet again, turning to the T.V. He completely ignored Tsuki. His arms were covered in bandages and wraps. He wore his long, black and red coat more often to hide them._

The day Tsuki found him lying there, completely motionless, he felt dread. His heart froze entirely when he saw his lover dying right before his eyes. The blonde didn't even cry. He just…stared. All his emotions started to disappear. Happiness was long gone, all that was really left was sadness and…despair.

_When Roppi woke up in the hospital, Tsuki was there, sitting in a chair next to the bed. He was holding the raven's hand gently with a sad smile on his face._

"_Tell me why."_

"…'_Cause…I felt like it." The raven shrugged and looked away._

"_Roppi…" The blonde sighed as he tried to keep himself collected. "Do you…even l-love me anymore?"_

_The raven's eyes widened from Tsuki's words._

"_Of course I do. I love you more than anything else." He sighed._

_Tsuki started to tear up-something he hadn't done in a while. He felt relief flood him. He let his emotions come back for a little bit, just a little. His grip on Roppi's hand tightened, he smiled at him and sighed heavily._

_They let Roppi go home that day, since he had insisted on it so much. He made sure everyone thought that he was fine. All except Tsuki, who could see through him easily._

"_Hey, babe?" Roppi turned to the blonde who was sitting on the couch. _

"_Yes?" _

"_Promise me something, okay?" Roppi looked down, a bit unsure._

"_What is it?" Tsuki tilted his head to the side, confused._

"_Promise me…" He breathed in and out. "That we'll follow each other everywhere. No matter where the other goes…" He looked up at Tsuki, full of fear of being rejected. The blonde knew exactly what Roppi meant. Of course he would follow Roppi, even in death._

"_Of course I will. I love you, Roppi. I'll always follow you." He smiled softly, making Roppi sigh with relief._

"_Thank you, Tsuki." He moved closer to the blond and kissed him lightly on the lips._

"_It's a promise, then." Tsuki said as he kissed the raven back._

…That was a few nights ago, and now everything went back to hell. Roppi refused to tell Tsuki anything again, they rarely ever talked, aside from the small, awkward conversations they'd have from time to time that had absolutely nothing to do with anything.

"Rop-" The blonde tried to speak up but was immediately cut off by an angry Roppi.

"Oh my god, Tsuki, shut up! You are so fucking annoying! All you do is get on my nerves anymore, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you!" He glared at Tsuki, who froze-completely speechless. It took all he had to hold back the tears already threatening to fall down his face at any moment.

Roppi refused to look at the blonde. He knew how upset he made Tsuki. But…he didn't care. He was a mess. He didn't even understand his own feelings.

"R-Roppi…I-I'm sorr-" He was cut off again.

"Don't say anything! Everything that comes out of your mouth pisses me off!" Roppi's voice only got louder. For the first time, Tsuki was afraid of Roppi. Not physically, but emotionally, because he could feel what was coming next-which only made him want to die.

"…Let's break up." Roppi still avoided eye contact with Tsuki. The blonde's eyes widened. He couldn't figure out what to say. All he could do was stare at the man in front of him. He felt himself shaking. It had to be a lie! It had to! Tsuki couldn't tell what was going on anymore, he had blocked everything out of his mind. The only thing he could do was break down and cry. Cry for the raven to take back what he just said. Cry for himself to wake up from the horrible hell he was facing. He watched as Roppi disappeared into the other room.

'_Why? Why did this have to happen? Who did I piss off so badly that I deserved this? What did I do? Someone…please tell me…'_

A few moments later, Tsuki stood up from the couch and wiped away his tears, fully knowing they'd return later. He walked out the door without even giving a second glance.

* * *

><p>Roppi grabbed the blade in the cabinet of the bathroom. He stared at it for a while with tears screwing up his vision. They just wouldn't stop rolling down his cheeks. He heard the door slam shut, making him flinch and drop the knife.<p>

'_That's it. He's gone. Tsuki's gone…'_

Roppi growled and quickly picked up the blade, slashing at his wrists angrily. Angry at the blonde for leaving so easily, angry at everything, but mostly just angry at himself. He pushed out the only source of happiness in his life.

The blood trailed down his arm and dripped onto the floor. He couldn't even feel the pain, only a dull throb. He only felt numb. The only pain he felt was burning in his chest, suffocating him. He fell to his knees, still holding onto the blade. He cried out for Tsuki over and over again. He knew it wouldn't do any good. He hurt the blonde. What he was feeling was probably only half of what the blonde was feeling. It wasn't like Roppi _wanted _to. He just _snapped._ But what made him? All Tsuki did was care. Something inside the raven burst. It drove him insane.

He slashed at his arm once more. The pain never faded from his heart. His only source of happiness was gone, and it wasn't coming back. He drove it away. He felt nauseous and dizzy. His arm was covered in cuts and blood. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Was it the end for him? It didn't matter to the raven, though. He lost the light of his life. There was nothing left. He sighed once more before slipping into unconsciousness.

* * *

><p>Tsuki wandered aimlessly in the cold rain. He was drenched. Although he was grateful since no one could see his tears. He didn't have anywhere to go, his only home was the one he just left. He shivered a bit from the weather and hid his face further in his scarf to keep himself warm. He walked for what seemed like miles, with no clue as to where he was going.<p>

His phone suddenly rang, he flinched as he heard a familiar ringtone. He flipped it open and tried to see the name of the caller, but couldn't make anything out since it was too blurry. He wiped his tears away quickly and looked at it again. It was Shizuo. He hurriedly answered it, which was a bad idea. Tsuki had forgotten that he was crying hysterically a moment ago.

"H-hello?" He had to choke out his words.

"Tsuki? Are you alright?" The blonde on the other end seemed concerned.

"I-I'm fine. Haha…"

"Where are you? I hear rain."

"Oh…I don't know…" Tsuki looked around to find himself in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

"You don't sound okay at all. Tell me your surroundings, I'm coming to get you."

"…There's a park nearby. Actually I think this is Ikebukuro…A-ah, but you don't h-have to do that…! I-I'm fine! Really…"

"Liar. Go to the park and find some cover, I'll be there as quick as I can." With that, he hung up the phone.

Tsuki stared at his phone is disbelief. Shit. Now he had no choice. He didn't want to upset his cousin, but he didn't really want to be around anyone at the moment. So, he walked to the park and found a bench that was under a cover and sat down. No one was really around since it was rather late at night and it _was_ a holiday after all.

'_Oh yeah…It's Christmas eve, isn't it..?_ Tsuki felt another tear fall down his face.

"Tsuki!" Tsuki looked up to see Shizuo running towards him.

"Sh-Shizuo…" Tsuki let his scarf show more of his face than before. Shizuo sat next to him.

"What happened? You look like you've been crying…" He pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

Tsuki hesitated before opening his mouth.

"Roppi…" His voice was so quiet that Shizuo had to strain to hear him. "Roppi hates me…"

More tears fell down the blonde's face as he hid behind his scarf more.

Shizuo was dumbfounded. _Roppi hates him? That couldn't be true. They were perfect for each other…so why? _Shizuo's thoughts were all over the place.

"We broke up…" Tsuki's words were slow and choked out. He sobbed silently to himself.

"..Maybe he's just going through some tough times, y'know?" Shizuo tried to reassure the other. He wasn't very good at that sort of thing.

"That's what I-I'm worried about…If I c-can't see him…I can't h-help him if he tried to…attempt something…" the last words were too quiet for Shizuo to hear.

Tsuki remembered the last time Roppi had tried it.

"_I was bored…"_ the words made Tsuki shiver.

"You can stay with me for a while if you want. I'm sure you're not planning on going home anytime soon." Shizuo took the last few drags of his cigarette before putting it out.

"Y-You don't h-have to do that…! I-I don't want to be a burden…" Tsuki looked at the ground.

"Well, it's not like you have anywhere else to go, right?" Shizuo said bluntly.

""Y-yeah…"

"Come with me, then." Shizuo stood up and waited for the other to collect himself.

Tsuki followed Shizuo all the way back to the apartment. He trailed behind the blonde clinging tightly to the umbrella that the Shizuo had brought him. He hesitated to enter the apartment but he managed to force himself. He set his bag on the floor by the door and sat on the couch, clutching his scarf.

"Damn, I'm tired…" Shizuo yawned as he disappeared in the other room. A few moments later, he returned with pillows and blankets. He handed them to Tsuki.

"Help yourself to whatever you want...uh…goodnight." He gave a slight smile to Tsuki before walking back into the other room and disappeared for the rest of the night.

Tsuki sat on the couch, he put the pillows behind him on the arm and took off his scarf. He carefully layed it on the floor near his bag and laid down on the couch, pulling the covers over himself. His mind wandered around Roppi and nothing else.

_How is he? Is he alright? Is he okay…without Tsuki?_

Those thoughts circled through Tsuki's head all night. He barely got any sleep.

* * *

><p>Roppi woke up to find himself with a splitting headache. He tried to stand up but he could only get on his knees and have to hold onto the sink for support. He groaned at the burning pain all over his body. His arms were throbbing and covered in dry blood, his cuts stopped bleeding, and the pain in his chest never ceased.<p>

"Damn…not deep enough, I guess."

He left the bloody mess in the bathroom without a second thought. He finally gathered enough strength to stand, albeit he had to hold onto anything there to steady himself and he made his way to their-his bedroom. He could feel the tears threatening to come back again…

"Tsuki…I'm sorry…I don't deserve you…" his legs gave out and he fell to his knees in the doorway. He clutched his hair and ripped it out. He couldn't stand it. It could've all been avoided. So simple. It was all so damn simple.

"Fuck!" He cried out. He thought his tears were all dried up but they proved him wrong. He needed Tsuki, but he was gone. He didn't know how to live without his Tsuki. Roppi was too tired to think at that moment. He gathered himself as much as he could. He'd get to the bed even if he had to crawl-which he did. He climbed up and plopped on the comfortable blankets.

'_Ugh, shit. It even smells like him.' _The raven had a feeling his dreams would turn into nightmares soon. He curled himself into a ball and tried to sleep-if that were even possible. He tossed and turned all night with thoughts only of Tsuki.

* * *

><p>Tsuki woke up drenched in sweat. All he dreamt of were nightmares of Roppi. He sat up absentmindedly with a blank stare, he felt like he was going insane. It took him a few moments to finally realize that it was morning, and it seemed like Shizuo went to work already. Tsuki was all alone. He didn't really know what to do, it felt so awkward to him. He was in an unfamiliar place and he didn't have Roppi to comfort him. He just wanted to go back to his home and embrace the raven in a tight hug and tell him it was all okay, even if Roppi didn't feel the same.<p>

He didn't want to move, he wasn't hungry either. He sat on the couch staring aimlessly at the wall.

"…Roppi…" Tsuki whispered to himself without even realizing it. He wanted to see him so badly.

* * *

><p>Roppi screamed out, waking himself up in the process.<p>

"W-what the hell?"

He looked around quickly, he searched the bright room, startled by his own scream. He was breathing heavily, it felt like he was being suffocated. Roppi ripped the covers off of himself and stormed into the living room-the _empty_ living room. He sighed, somewhat disappointed.

'_Okay. I can do this. I don't need him. I'll be fine without him…' _Roppi tried to reassure himself the best he could. He sat on the couch and turned on the T.V. Closing his eyes for a moment, his never ending headache throbbed violently. All he could see was Tsuki's face.

'_Augh, shit. What have I done…' _He clutched his head and squeezed his eyes shut tighter. He couldn't take being away from the blonde any longer.

He opened his eyes slowly and gazed at the deep cuts on his arms. Many thoughts circled his mind at once.

'_They weren't deep enough'_

'_I want out of this pain.'_

'_Maybe if I try again.'_

No.

Roppi needed to see Tsuki before he left. He wouldn't let himself be free until he saw his blonde. It would be the biggest regret in his lifetime. He knew it had only been a day but it felt like centuries to the raven.

He picked up his phone that sat on the coffee table and texted Tsuki. He didn't have the courage to call him over the phone. For all he knew, just hearing the blonde's voice could send him into a crying fit.

"Meet me at the park in Ikebukuro later."

It was at least twenty minutes before he finally received a response.

"What time?"

He sighed with relief. He was terrified that Tsuki would reject him. The twenty minutes he waited felt like hours. It was torture.

"How about five?"

Another long moment of tension.

"Okay. I'll be there."

He smiled to himself just slightly. They could finally patch things up. Their nightmare would finally be over with.

He eyed the clock. 2:30

'_Ugh, I still have a few hours to kill…' _

He stared at the video game console on the floor. He contemplated for a moment before walking over and picking up the controller and pressing play.

'_This'll do it_'

It actually worked. His mind was too focused on the video game that he forgot about everything else if only for a moment. Time flew and before he knew it, it was time to leave. The whole way there, Roppi's heart beat like crazy. He was nervous, anxious, and yet happy, too. But above all, he was scared. He had hurt Tsuki, it wouldn't be a surprise if the blonde rejected him.

He finally arrived at the park. It was rather empty, considering it was Christmas day, everyone was in their homes, being happy and opening gifts. He searched frantically for his blonde. He found him sitting on a bench with his face hidden behind his scarf. The blonde looked nervous.

'_Good, I'm not the only one…'_ Roppi slowly approached the other, his heart raced faster with each step he took.

Tsuki finally looked up from the ground and noticed the raven coming towards him. Both of them started panicking as they got closer to one another.

"Hey…" Roppi took the initiative to speak.

"H-hi…"

Tsuki looked back down at the ground and gulped before pulling his scarf away from his face and looked up at Roppi.

"H-how are you…?"

Tsuki noticed the bandages the wrapped around the raven's arm that he tried to hide under his long sleeves. He was scared that Roppi had done it because of him. Guilt struck him hard. His chest started to sting.

"I'm fine…" Roppi broke the gaze they had by looking away. He was always a bad liar. He had a habit of avoiding eye contact when he lied. The tension in the air only doubled as time went on.

"Roppi…" Tsuki looked a bit sad, making Roppi grit his teeth.

"What? Are you gonna lecture me, again? Are you gonna say that I'm _sick_ or that I need _help_?" He started shouting.

Tsuki flinched and looked at the ground.

"T-that's not what I-"

"Then what is it? What do you want me to do? I can't help it!" Roppi pulled up his sleeves and showed the blonde how far up they went.

"This…" He looked at the ground. "Is all I can do to calm myself down…"

Tsuki jumped off of the bench and moved towards Roppi.

"Roppi, I'm sor-"

"Don't you _dare_ say it!" He screamed at him and dashed away.

Tsuki stood there stunned for a moment before running after him.

"Roppi, wait!"

"Leave me alone!" Roppi yelled back at him as he ran down the street.

'_Why do I always screw things up so badly? All I wanted to do was make up with him…but I just can't keep my mouth shut! Tsuki doesn't deserve someone as horrible as me. I can't take it anymore. …I'm sorry…Tsuki…'_

Roppi was running out of breath. He panted as he ran. His legs were about to give out. But he didn't want the blonde to catch up. He didn't deserve the blonde's attention. He didn't deserve anything. He hated himself more than anything.

He lost sight of Tsuki by the time he made it back to his apartment. Leave it to Tsuki to get lost so damn easily. He sighed shakily and walked through the door.

"Dammit! He screamed out. "It wasn't supposed to be like this!" He clutched his head and ripped his hair out. "He'd be better without me anyways…"

'_So it doesn't matter if I disappear.'_

With that thought, he ventured into the bathroom and desperately searched for his knife. A smile formed on his face through the tears pouring down his cheeks. He wiped his tears away only to be replaced by more. He didn't care, though. He stared intensely at the blade in his hand.

This time he really wanted to die. He had no reason to exist anymore. He had seen Tsuki for the last time, and he even screwed _that_ up.

He slowly put the blade to his wrist and slashed as deep as he could, each one became more violent.

Soon, his wrists were torn up, blood dripped quickly to the floor. He couldn't even feel the pain anymore. By then, he had already lost the strength in his knees and he fell to the floor, although it felt like a pit of darkness. All he did was wait there. Wait there for the darkness to consume him. Wait there for peace at last. The only thing he'd miss was Tsuki. As he took his last breath, his last thought was Tsuki.

* * *

><p>Tsuki ran as fast as he could, he had lost sight of the raven but he knew where he was trying to go. He just couldn't figure out how to get there. The streets he ran through weren't familiar. He had no idea where he was.<p>

"Dammit!" He cursed under his breath as he kept his pace and ran through a different path. After looking around for a good ten minutes, he finally found the right street. He was running low on breath but at the moment, he couldn't care less. His legs ached and his chest burned, begging for oxygen. Tsuki finally managed to get to the apartment, but he was hesitant to go in. He feared what he might find when he went inside.

He opened the door slowly and looked around quickly. He walked inside and shut the door behind him. He couldn't find the raven anywhere, the bedroom, the kitchen, his last hope was the bathroom. He walked slowly and cautiously to the door. He noticed a small light from under the door. He slowly opened the door and froze, just from the amount of blood on the floor-he hadn't even seen Roppi yet. He opened the door all the way and held in a shriek of terror.

His eyes widened and he fell to his knees. He was just in too much of a shock for any emotions to show. He didn't even notice the tears that fell down his eyes. Tsuki shook as he stared at the motionless body on the floor. The blonde slowly reached out to Roppi's body, he suddenly noticed where the blood was coming from. There were letters engraved in the raven's skin.

'_Tsuki'_

It was then that Tsuki finally let his cries come out in large bursts. He screamed out as loud as he could. Maybe if he cried out loud enough, god or whoever took his lover, would bring him back.

It couldn't be true. Roppi couldn't be gone. It was a lie. There was nothing left.

He clutched the body tightly. He didn't care if he was covered in blood. He didn't care about anything. Really, what was left that he _could_ care about?

Nothing. It was gone.

Ten or so minutes later, Tsuki gently stood up holding the raven in his arms. He steadily walked to the bedroom and layed Roppi's body down on the bed. He gave a small, sad smile to the raven before walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him. Wiping his tears away, he slid down the door and tucked his knees under his chin. He knew what he was going to do next. No. what he _had_ to do next.

He remembered their promise. He'd be damned if he broke it.

* * *

><p>About a month had passed since Roppi's death. Tsuki grew more and more miserable as the days went on. Not only had he been caught in the middle of attempting to commit suicide, but he had also been forced to live with Shizuo for "safety issues". He couldn't meet with Roppi. It made him go insane. So insane that his body couldn't even take it anymore.<p>

_Tsuki went mute._

It's not like he wanted to, but he just stopped for so long that he just couldn't manage to say anything to them-not that he _had_ anything to say to the people who kept him from seeing his Roppi. He had to speak through nods and occasionally writing things down.

He kept to himself in his new bedroom-Shizuo had to move to another apartment with an extra room so Tsuki could fit. Tsuki didn't want to be around anyone-except Roppi. He tried multiple times with so many different methods to be able to see Roppi, but was stopped right before he could finish the job.

As time went on, Tsuki was slowly going insane. He needed the raven in his life. He needed him to be able to live. He was nothing without Roppi.

Tsuki lay on his bed doing absolutely nothing but thinking of Roppi like usual. He stayed in his room all day and refused to see anyone. The only place that he was allowed to be was his room-and even then, everything was taken out of it except for the necessities, even the window was bolted shut. It was a prison. Tsuki thought he'd never be able to escape the nightmare he was in and just be with Roppi.

He sighed once more, unable to show any emotion. His tears were long gone, his anger rose up every so often-but only for a bit.

His only emotion was despair. Nothing else.

As he thought to himself, he heard a knock at the door, making him jolt out of his little trance.

"…Tsuki? I brought you some dinner. It's just take out, but you haven't eaten anything all day and I figured you might be hungry or something."

Realizing it was Shizuo, Tsuki slowly opened the door and took the food in both hands. With a small nod as a 'Thank you', he shut the door once more and set the food on the dresser. He sat back on his bed and almost forgot about it. He wasn't hungry but he knew he had to eat it to save himself from being scolded or yelled at or even taken to his therapist and have another "Session" that drove Tsuki insane. He didn't want help. He didn't want to be talked to. He just wanted Roppi. Nothing else.

He slowly grabbed the handle of the carton of rice and nibbled on it now and then as he stared out of his dead bolted window. He watched the stars twinkle in the sky. He sighed again as he thought of his lover that he missed so much. His lover that had been waiting for over a month to meet with him. Tsuki was starting to feeling guilty about their promise. He was supposed to see him over a month ago! But all of the interferences…No. Tsuki could only blame himself.

He started to think more, what if Roppi was angry at Tsuki for making him wait so long? What if…Roppi didn't even want to see him anymore. They _did_ fight right before Roppi left. What if Roppi just didn't want him at all…?

All of those thoughts circled the blonde's mind, making him shudder. He needed to hurry up if he wanted the raven's forgiveness. If the raven _would_ forgive him… Tsuki's hand shook involuntarily , he missed the raven's touch so badly.

It was way past midnight and Tsuki's mind couldn't stop thinking of Roppi. Usually he'd calm down around that time and fall asleep-if they didn't drug his drinks first.

The blonde couldn't figure out why, but his feet just took him away. He stood up from his bed and walked to the living room. Shizuo was asleep which made everything so much easier-escape. He, opening the front door gently, so as not to make a noise, walked out to the street. He didn't know where he was going, so he just let his feet guide him.

As he came back to his senses, he realized that he was on top of one of the most tallest buildings in all of Ikebukuro. The wind blew through his hair roughly almost making him lose his balance. He gazed up at the beautiful night sky.

'_Ah…So this is it, huh?' _

He looked forward and swore he saw a silhouette in the distance near the edge of the building. He walked closer to it and smiled.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long. Are you angry?" He was only inches away from the raven at that point.

"No, although I was beginning to get a little impatient. But you're here now, that's all that matters." Roppi smiled softly and held out a hand as he looked at the blonde. "Coming, love?"

Tsuki took the hand without any hesitation. And they were off. Be it in heaven or hell! The two didn't know, but neither cared as long as they were together.

"Hey Tsuki?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

The blonde chuckled a bit.

"I love you, too, Roppi."

* * *

><p><strong>So I wrote this a few months ago and I never uploaded it! I wrote this while I was in the middle of my other story...I am the biggest procrastinator I know. I have no excuses, forgive me. v.v;<strong>

**And I hoped you enjoyed this story~ :3  
><strong>**Thank you for reading! **


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